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Lesson Zero, part 7
nervous breakdown, failed her SAN roll
The sun is getting low in the sky over Ponyville. No one, not even Princess Celestia herself, is more aware of this than Twilight Sparkle.

"Clock is ticking, Twilight. ClOcK. iS. tIcKiNg."

She paces back and forth in front of the window. "Keep it together," she mutters to herself over and over and over again. She can do this. She has to do this. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate.

But how? Rarity doesn't need help, Apple Jack doesn't need help, none of her friends need help...


"If I can't find a friendship problem," she says to herself, "I'll mAkE a friendship problem!"

She rubs her forehooves together in glee as she opens up her old toybox. She knows just the perfect tool for this job...

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Twilight shoves Smarty Pants in the fillies' faces. "SOWHOWANTSTOPLAYWITHHERFIRST?"

Quick, everypony for herself!

Apple Bloom is the first to try to get out of it. "Uh, you should play with her first, Sweetie Belle! Y'know, 'cause you like her mane so much." Having said that, she runs off so as not to be targeted in turn.

Sweetie Belle's eyes go wide. "No, no, no, no, no! I think Scootaloo should get to play with her first!" And she goes to fetch Apple Bloom back.

Oh, no, what's a Scootaloo to do? Thinking fast, she says, "I'd love to, but, um, you take her, Apple Bloom."

The earth filly manages to wriggle out of the others' grip and tries to shove them back toward the Smarty Pants. "Applejack says it's important to share!"

Something's wrong. They're acting like none of them want Smarty Pants! Why in Equestria wouldn't anypony want Smarty Pants?

I gotta think of something. ThinkthinkthinkthinkTwilightthink--that's it!

"Ooh, you're going to LiKe Smarty Pants," Twilight murmurs as she casts the spell on her old doll, "and you're going to like her mOrE tHaN aNyThInG."

Edited at 2011-11-09 07:14 pm (UTC)

As soon as the fillies catch a glimpse of Smarty Pants, they stop arguing. At least, for a moment. All ♥eyes♥ are on the doll.

"I want it!" cries Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom tries to do one better. "I need it."

Sweetie Belle, seeing nothing wrong with re-using words, simply reiterates that "I really like her mane!" She's much more certain and enthusiastic this time around.

The golden moment is broken as all three dive for Smarty Pants at once, and start fighting over who gets it.

"The 'Want It, Need It' spell. Works every time." Twilight steps over purposefully. "Okay, okay, let's break it up. I think we can all see that there's an important lesson here to be learned about--"

Unfortunately, Twilight appears to have underestimated the power of her spell. The fighting Crusaders pay no attention to her at all, even when one of them accidentally hits her in the face mid-sentence. All their attention is on ♥Smarty Pants♥.

Fortunately, they're only fillies, so the strike doesn't hurt too much. Still, she's more shaken than she lets on. "Come on, girls, we're all friends here, right? Don't you think you ought to share?"

Share? The word catches one pony's attention, briefly. Apple Bloom pulls slightly out of the struggle for just long enough to say "No way!" Then she's back to fighting, as hard as ever.

Fine. They want to do it the hard way? Twilight can do it the hard way.

Only she can't. Within a few seconds of diving into the fray, she's flung clear, and smack into the face of a stallion watching from nearby. But he's a stallion she recognizes, so maybe she can still turn this around!

"Big Macintosh! Thank goodness--you've gotta help me get that doll away from those girls!"

Big Macintosh calmly surveys the scene, and responds, "Eeyup."

He sets down the bucket he's carrying and walks over to the squabbling fillies. He deftly reaches in and snags the doll in his teeth, pulling it clear before any of the Crusaders even notices.

"Oh, thank you so much," Twilight breathes. "Now if you could just give her to me..."


Big Macintosh effortlessly pulls the ♥doll♥ out of Twilight's magical grip and begins trotting away.

It gets worse.

Big Macintosh isn't running alone, any more. The Crusaders have noticed that he's got the ♥doll♥, and are giving chase. "Give her back!" "No! Don't touch it!"

It's still a beautiful day, and several other ponies are out enjoying the weather. Big Macintosh and the others run past the mayor, who calls out, "What's all the commotion about?"

"They're fighting over that ♥doll♥!" answers one mare, who then starts after it herself.

"That incredible, amazing ♥doll♥!" contributes somepony else.

More and more ponies join in the chase, and Big Macintosh can't avoid them all. Before long he's surrounded by a struggling pile of ponies, trying to keep Smarty Pants out of their reach.

Somewhere in that pile is Twilight Sparkle, attempting to get a line of sight so she can disenchant Smarty Pants.


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